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Sex, Drugs, Guns But No Poker
by Clay Champlin

I've been playing online poker for seven months and, after having some success, I decided it was time to stretch my virtual legs and try another one of the hundreds of poker rooms in cyberspace.

My credit card company had other plans.

My first trip into an online casino was great. Seconds after giving up my credit card information I was at a table going all in against some guy from Norway.

But last week, when I tried to open an account at a new Web site, my card was declined. Then it was declined again at six different sites. I felt like one of those desperate guys I've seen at the casino ATM so many times, except that I was in my pajamas.

I called my credit card company and they told me they no longer allow deposits into gambling sites. I explained that I'm an adult and if I want to play cards in my underpants that was my business. The customer service agent told me it was company policy not to do business with Internet gamblers.

OK, fine. How do they feel about sex, drugs and guns? I decided to find out.

Getting full access to an adult Web site took less than two minutes. I won't tell you which site it was, but I will tell you that the women at the private schools I've attended didn't behave in such a manner.

While the sex was easy to get, the drugs were more difficult.

I found a very professional-looking site called I don't know if it's endorsed by baseball players, but it has both kinds of testosterone: real and synthetic. I opted for 25 tablets of Sustanon. This is a very popular anabolic steroid used to bulk up quickly, and for $34 it could be at my door in a week.

The catch was I had to set up an account at a third-party Web site to pay for my purchase. The approval process on this site was fast, and I was told I could safely make monetary transactions with other approved Web businesses. I was warned it would not complete transactions with gaming sites, but buying illegal testosterone pills wasn't a problem.

My last test was on a friendly little site called It's eBay for people who like hunting, militias or just blowing stuff up. Setting up an account was as easy as giving them my e-mail address and credit card number (which was instantly approved).

For $160 I won an auction for a Charter Pathfinder .22-caliber handgun apparently being sold from a hunting store in Missouri. Not surprisingly, buying a sidearm from an out-of-state weapons dealer didn't cause any problems with my credit card company. I was relieved when the dealer said he wouldn't send me the pistol until I faxed him over a copy of my gun owner's license.

I wish my credit card company cared as much.

An e-mail from the credit company's PR department said dealing with gambling sites is "high-risk" and to "protect our cardmembers from any fraudulent activity on their accounts, we do not accept online gambling transactions." Where were they when I wanted protection from those schoolgirls? They seemed very naughty.

Poker sites deal with the fact that credit card companies think underwear-clad gamblers pose more of a threat than perverted, pumped-up sharpshooters. Just fork over your checking account number and they have full access to the place where all of your money goes. My wife didn't even have that until we were married for four years.

So I'll have to wait to find a new poker room, and I'm OK with that. I'm just glad I'll get the 'roids in a few days. The Cubs need a power-hitting left-fielder before September.

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